feeling feelings for myself

Yesterday was awful and it's what I get, I know
for eating meat and eating fast food meat at that
two things I never do
because later I felt the mood of that poor tortured animal
course through me, taking away my strength

I had a coworker confess some pretty heavy personal
information and then I went to my first training session
to be an advocate for rape response. Which I think is going
to be great, really. But the subject matter was so heavy, I mean
apparently the youngest reported rape case in Alabama was on
a one month old, and that's a lot to digest.

And then I got in the car and had texts from my aunt
about how her life is spinning out of control and can I maybe
recommend some books for her to read and I love her so much
but our relationship has become so strange and strained after
Wella died. All these feelings came over me so fast.

And as I was texting her back, texts started pouring in from him
about how he needed to borrow my debit card to file for our divorce
on some bunk-ass website, to which, obviously, I said no.

And even though I know that I am not defined by my mistakes
or by my (failed) marriage and that this is probably all for the best and that
I've got this opportunity for a second chance, still, sometimes, I feel really dumb
and still, sometimes, I just want to shake him and ask him
"Why did you ask me to marry you in the first place? Why are you doing this to me?"

I guess the worst part about yesterday was how I feel like I can't talk to anyone
about my problems because of how it winds up affecting them and then I feel bad for
putting my issues on someone else. I'd just rather shut up and be the "strong" one.
But instead I angrily proclaimed "I'm not SAD!" on my friend's couch before
breaking down in tears and then driving myself home.