there was always you, but there was always somebody else
and you asked, me so sad about it, reality kickin' in
I bled all over the floor and all over the sheets but you petted
my head and you shushed me to sleep
and all I needed was you
it was glaringly obvious now
we smoked cigarettes that we didn't want, that I didn't buy
c-i-g-a-r-e-t-t-e-ssss
and counted up c words and p words, so conflicted
I could cry
but I didn't and I
guess that about sums it up
sums us up
sums up this whole stupid world
the one where I dry my hair out your car window
I guess sometimes it's just harder to know
that you lost something you could still take
I guess it all matters, the reasons we consider
but sometimes it just seems like the sake of the words
don't mean nothing no more
when our bodies want to talk instead
and I'm here feeling so empty
when I'm wrapped in a towel on my bed
p.s. that moisturizing stint? I knew what I was doing
I told you, I come by it natural
the things we remember, they usually add up
we tell our own stories to each other
when will we get sick of this? never, I bet
and it's just harder to know, ya know
that you lost something that you could still take
especially when I remember the sunlight so clearly
on your face even while I was being attacked by ants
or taking turns throwing up
but hey, maybe it was the drugs that made you look so bright
(I doubt it)
it doesn't matter how much money you make
it never did
it doesn't matter that I'd be a good mama
cos I'm not gonna have your big bull headed kids
but there were times in the car, I'd thrash in the back
and you'd just look back at me and smile
our hair was usually wet from the river
and I'd hold on to every mile
hating when it when we pulled into the drive
hating going back to death after feeling
so, ya know, free and alive
(another cliche thing to add to our list)
we used to play footsie under the tables
and think we were being sly, but I guarantee you everyone
knew, they just let us think we were living a lie
and they didn't let on cos to let on
would to be an acknowledgment of magic
and nobody wants to play the fool
or pity him, so I hear
I was picking out records again
the sad ones, the ones we wallow in
and stroking your beard and singing to you
you like my voice and it proves you're a fool
a fool for me now a fool for me then
and I'll have regrets at 110
when I outlive all of you
and have to drink Gran Mon and steal cars
by my ownself
what do you think our audience thinks
about me sitting home on a Friday night
alone in your old sweatshirt, contemplating my
mistakes in life? and believe me, this could take
awhile
am I coming down from opiates or am I coming down from
you? I tried to drown my sorrows in the tub
but instead got mad at the prunes.
It was cold, letting the water drain and I knew
you'd have turned off the a/c and had me a towel
and I knew right then you'd spoiled me-
its the goddamn coming down that kills me
I was making out monochromatic maps
I was sealing my fate
When I started to feel queasy I blamed it on something I ate but you...
you knew
you knew a thing or two about mistakes
and I heated up pizza in the toaster over even though I wanted
Chinese food, feeling like that's an analogy for my life.
I've got your 8 page letters, huzzah!
Too naive to think nothing about 'em back then
and we spooned in that room, hitting snooze on an alarm clock
six, seven, eight times
pretending the interstate was an ocean
you didn't keep nothing of mine
why didn't you tell me? same reason I didn't tell you
cryptorchidism
and this instinctual need to be idiots
but you know it's hard when you know
that you lost something you could still take
we've been kidding for years about running away
"Is that for me, it's beautiful" you'd say
never knowing that you were the beautiful one
anyone who can make a loser feel
so alive. but I'm determined
to make you see.
that we always have dancing and i will
always know that you picked me
(just like a dandelion)
I just wish I could tell you the same.
