feeling feelings for myself

Yesterday was awful and it's what I get, I know
for eating meat and eating fast food meat at that
two things I never do
because later I felt the mood of that poor tortured animal
course through me, taking away my strength

I had a coworker confess some pretty heavy personal
information and then I went to my first training session
to be an advocate for rape response. Which I think is going
to be great, really. But the subject matter was so heavy, I mean
apparently the youngest reported rape case in Alabama was on
a one month old, and that's a lot to digest.

And then I got in the car and had texts from my aunt
about how her life is spinning out of control and can I maybe
recommend some books for her to read and I love her so much
but our relationship has become so strange and strained after
Wella died. All these feelings came over me so fast.

And as I was texting her back, texts started pouring in from him
about how he needed to borrow my debit card to file for our divorce
on some bunk-ass website, to which, obviously, I said no.

And even though I know that I am not defined by my mistakes
or by my (failed) marriage and that this is probably all for the best and that
I've got this opportunity for a second chance, still, sometimes, I feel really dumb
and still, sometimes, I just want to shake him and ask him
"Why did you ask me to marry you in the first place? Why are you doing this to me?"

I guess the worst part about yesterday was how I feel like I can't talk to anyone
about my problems because of how it winds up affecting them and then I feel bad for
putting my issues on someone else. I'd just rather shut up and be the "strong" one.
But instead I angrily proclaimed "I'm not SAD!" on my friend's couch before
breaking down in tears and then driving myself home.

feminist literature and tales from the crib

I remember one day
sitting at my desk, reading Simone deBeauvoir
listening to my coworker bitch about how her husband
was inept at taking care of their new baby
and feeling pretty anti-men.

ballerina suicide

I keep falling asleep on people's couches
watching the Lifetime movie network
waking up with their cats cuddling with my dog
or their dog warming my feet

and I don't have anyone to call home to
to say "hey, I'm sorry, I dozed off again, I'm on my way,"
and I guess I thought that might bother me
but there's some real beauty in not having to check in.